Monday, October 19, 2009

Zombie Midgets Re-Post Parts 1-6

An Original Story by me the Media Goon.

I turned on the TV and the news anchor was saying how there was martial law declared in NYC. There are reports about cannibals attacking people on the street. They are being killed and torn apart. The reporter said that the cannibals reminded people of all the horror movies from the past involving zombies. This was do to the fact you can shoot,hit and kick them but they wont stay down. One witness said she stabbed one of them and he kept coming after her.
WOW..I can't believe this. I have always joked with my friends that I would be ready for this is if it ever happen. On my coffee table just happened to be My Zombie Survival Guide Handbook that I bought and reread more then 50 times. No ones caught the cannibals/zombies on TV yet. I dying to see one of them. Hit I just remembered I should go check my supplies in the shed and bring some extra in...I'm glad I have the steel bars on my first floor of my house so I don't have to worry about boarding any of them up. I open my back door..I'm glad I have the security door gate on the back of my house too...People thought I was crazy to take all these extra precautions.
I walk out back and I trip over something....I fall to my hands and knees and I hear moaning and groaning. I look up and I see them...I cant believe it..3 zombies..not cannibals at all zombies...I guess when I came out I knocked them down too because the were eye level to me when I got to my knees and straightened out. Then one charged me . I was like what the fuck...As he got closer to me I grabbed a rake I had in the grass and smacked him with it and he tumbled over... Then the other two started towards me...That's when I realized it. They weren't just Zombies..They were Midgets...Midget Zombies. I didn't know whether to laugh really hard or be scared.. I started to run, but I realized with their little legs I could walk and outrun them. So I ran to my house and tossed opened the door and grabbed my baretta and my 12 gauge shot gun. I looked out the window and shot one of them in the head he fell down. I was like cool head shots just like in the movies...Till he got back up..So then I emptied both barrels of my 12 gauge making his head explode. That put the lil bugger down. I reloaded my 12 gauge but before I pulled the trigger on it, I decided to try the baretta again..The second zombie went down..Then got back up again. I then aimed my shotgun and just emptied one barrel into his face. That put him down. The third one I didn't even bother with the handgun. I just fired the 12 gauge and her face just exploded. I opened the door looked around and quickly ran to lock my gate to make sure no others could get in. Once I did that, I turned around to them to take in the sight..I still couldn't believe I was attacked by zombies..Well not even just zombies but zombie midgets..The first one I put down was pretty well dressed in a three piece suit . The second was in leprechaun costume( I hope it wasn't hornswoggle from wrestling). The female one was hearing a harness outside of her clothes (midget tossing perhaps?),,,
This is so weird but I can not stop laughing. I don't know if its because of my nerves from being attacked, or from me just looking at Midget Zombies..

Zombie Midgets Part 2
God damn Midgets. Zombie Midgets at that. Just when you think zombies would be ridiculous enough, but they had to infect midgets? I couldn't get that out of my head. I turned on the tv. The news channels are starting to report that the midget zombies are everywhere. Come to find out they had a " Little Peoples" convention at the Javits Center. Great. Who would have thought that there would be 10,000 midgets in one place. This sucks. I am fortified in my house, I have tons of supplies, and stock piled on weapons. But I am going to need help. The only other guy that I know of that is even more prepared then me is Mikey M. Veteran of the mid east wars, was a sergeant for the army. He is the one who showed me how to prepare for this. I knew some basic hand to hand combat techniques but he helped me polish them. He also is the one who trained me on how to use all my guns, strip them and clean them. We actually fortified my house together. We took my plastic fence, dug a 2 foot deep trench and laid a steel reinforced concrete fence that's 8 feet high all around my house. The only way in is the front gate which is a 6 inch thick sliding gate. I have enough room in my yard for 3 vehicles. Right now I have my 69 camaro and my 2003 blazer in it. I go online. Its good that the power and cable is still working. Maybe the switches and the equipment in too high for the zombies to reach them. Bad joke. I really know its because the systems are automated. They'll run for weeks without anyone having to deal with them. I see mikey is online.
"Mikey, did you see any of those little fuckers?"

" I couldn't believe my eyes KB. Midget Zombies.Really? I mean little fucking ankle biters. I was parking my pickup and I was flirting with this hot new neighbor of mine..She was wearing this really tight lycra workout sui.."

"Mikey. FOCUS!!!"

" Oh, Sorry KB. Yeah well anyway I'm talking to her and the next thing I know she gets pulled down on the the ground screaming. I see these 5 midgets starting to rip her apart. I couldn't do anything to help her. The good thing is she went quick though."

" What did you do then?"

"Well, those gollum rejects looked up at me like I was their precious and I high tailed it up to my place so i could get my weapons and supplies."

" Mikey. You think you can get over here? I got enough supplies to last us for at least 10 months to a year. I had to put down 3 of them in my yard earlier.The only reason I found them is because I tripped over them. Let me know when your a block away. If you can circle the block first to let me know if you see any of them around the house."

"You got it KB. See you in 20 mins."

45 mins later still no Mikey. Can't get him on the the C.B. Radio that he has in his pickup. I hope he's OK.

The radio crackled."KB its me. Listen I circled there is one of them tracking me. I'm going to try to lead him away from the gate and around the corner. slide your gate open and I ll drive in."

"Ok, Mikey. I am by the gate."

" Open it. I think I lost him."

I slide the gate open as fast as I can. I see Mikey haul ass into the yard. I slide the gate quick as I can back so I can lock it. The clank of the latch on the door made me feel so much more secure. That was until i heard the groan. Dressed in a black t shirt that says security on the front. His neck was torn up from a bite mark. He kind of resembled a squashed down version of Hugh Jackman. He even had the lame ass wolverine side burns. He started towards me. I was standing up this time ready for mini- Jackman not like the last three midget zombies. As he got closer to me, at about an arms length away, I did something I always wanted to do with the height challenged. I put my arm straight out to my hand reached the top of huge head. I held him out at arms length while his gnashed his teeth and swung his little t-rex size arms trying to get me. I was starting to laugh. If I started laughing any harder I would let go and the little guy would bite me.

" Mikey, can you take care of Lil wolvie for me?"

" No problem. Kick him away KB."

I kicked him into the middle of the yard and Mike swung into him with the swiftness of a ninja and used a katana blade to slice his head clean off of his neck.

"Thanks Mikey. I couldn't help myself"

"It's OK. I can't believe I just save you from a bobble head doll."

We both started laughing our asses off again. This time I know it for a fact. I was laughing because it was funny.

Part 3....coming soon....
Zombie Midgets Part 3
A days passed since Mikey joined me at my house. Even though we still had power, water, and the internet, there were no networks broadcasting anything new on this mini epidemic.

" Mikey. I think it's time to go out there and do some scouting. We should really see if there are anyone else out there that needs help. I would hate to be out there all alone. Ya know?"

"I'm feeling you on that one. Who knows there might be some hotties out there that need some saving and some romancing if ya hear me. I definately do not and I mean do not want to have to try to restart the human race with you. No offense, but a I don't roll that way."

"Shut up Mikey. Look over the wall and check to see if there is anyone form the lollipop guild is there."

"It's all clear."

"Ok, I'm driving. Throw your gear in the back seat and then open the gate. Make sure you close it behind us then get in."

"Yo, I wanna drive."

" Mikey, I need you to be the gunner, your a better shot then me anyway. Plus I get sick when you drive."

"Thanks, Hey I mean jackass.".

So we pulled out of my driveway and no less then 30 seconds on the road 30 or so mini versions of the Spartans from 300 were blocking our way to Queens Blvd. I turn to Mikey with the expression on my face of just disbelief.

" What the fuck goes on at these midget conventions. I mean seriously. I can't take this any more. These lil bastards are going to kill me because I am going to be laughing to hard to put up a fight,"

"Fuck that KB..They even got the killer abs like the 300 guys...They are dead and they have better abs then me. Son of a bitch. I been working out like a mother fucker and instead of having a six pack all i got is a half keg."

On that not i slammed the blazer into drive and decided to plow right through the shrunk down Spartans. I was smart enough to put the snow plow on my blazer before we left the "compound" as we now call my home. As we drove over them, I could not resist doing this and I knew if I didn't I knew Mikey would.I yelled," THIS IIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS SSSSSSPPPPPPPAAAAAAARRRTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," at the top of my lungs.

" Hey, that was going to be my line", protested Mikey.

I just laughed my ass off the whole way down Queens Blvd. We drove all the way to the 59th street bridge without seeing anyone living or Zombie. We travel over the bridge to Manhattan and get on to third avenue and 60th street when we saw about 5 midgets surrounding a cargo van with a beautiful girl wearing what appears to be a belly dancing outfit. She was sitting in what appeared to be a meditative pose. I pulled up about 100 feet behind the the van. I open the sunroof of the blazer. "Mikey, You know youve been waiting to take some more out, go ahead."

"Yeah, but I got dibs on the belly dancer.WOW, my kinda girl."

" Shut up Mikey, take them out."

Mikey pulls out a sniper rifle and sets it down on its tripod on the roof. He put a sound suppressor on it so as not to alert more of the the little kickables to our location. For all the wisecracks and joking around he really is an artist and a professional when it comes to killing. He took out all five of them within 30 seconds. I really couldn't believe it. Just when I was about to say something to him about it thats when we saw it. What looked like it had to be basically a midget stripper. She was wearing a corset and thong and was running towards the girl on the van. The midget stripper looked like she was actually trying to climb onto the van to get at the girl on top. Mikey aimed his rifle at the lil stripper and as he pulled the trigger it jammed. " No, I have dibs on her not you, you undead hobbit.", he yelled. Next thing I know he is out the door and running towards the van and as he got to the van he tackled the lil stripper. When he tackled her, the two of them rolled to the front of the van out of view. I slammed onto the gas and pulled up next to the van, breaking hard making the tires squeal as I skidded to a stop. What I saw was the lil stripper on top of Mikey biting his face.

I jumped out of the blazer ran up to the midget grabbed her by her hair and tossed her off of Mikey...I saw red blotches all over his face and he was laughing and smiling. I look closer. He has lipstick all over his face. The lil stripper wasn't infected or trying to eat him, she was kissing him for saving her. "Dude, she was kissing me...that's sara...."

" Shit. Sara you ok?," I said as I walked over to hear to help her up. As I went to grab her hand to pick her up she ended up punching me in the family jewels..."Asshole", is what I heard her mutter as I slightly passed out from the pain.

"Are you allright?", I hear as start to come too..I get up on my knees to be face to face with the belly dancer garbed girl from the top of the van. "I'm Anita..are you sure you ok?
With that passed out again....

Midget Zombies Pt 4
When I came to hours later I was at home. I smelled something cooking. I guess thats what woke me up. Following the wondrous smell of different spices I walked into the kitchen. Anita was there. She wasn't wearing the belly dancing outfit. She was wearing yoga pants and a tank top.
" Oh , good. Welcome back to the world of the living," she joked. Now she was a very beautiful woman of Indian descent, but I really couldn't place where she was from. One second it sounded like she had a british accent then the next it sounds like a twang from down south, but not too far down south. There is a lot more then meets the eye here. TRANSFORMEEEEERRRRSSSS ROBOTS IN DISGUISE. Damn that came out of nowhere in my head.
"Smells good. What are you cooking?."

"Some eggs with lil flavah and scones."

"I guess that sounds ummm good?.."

"Shut up you'll love it. Its the least I can do to thank you for getting me off that van. Those buggers had me up there for two days. I was trying to meditate just to not go crazy with there moaning."

"I dont blame you. How did you get up there? And why were you in the belly dancing outfit?"

"I was in my dance class where all this shit went down. and I grabbed my gear and started running. They surrounded me and I ran to the highest place I could get to. I figured they would get tired of waiting for me to come down but that was almost two days till you came and got me."

"I am glad we could help. By the way what is that noise that I keep hearing?"

" Sara and Mike have been going at it like rabbits for hours."

"Really? Hours? Damn..."

"Anita, are those all your clothes you have?"

"Yep, these and the belly dancer outfit, Why?"

" I think were going to have to go shopping then. Get you some clothes and add to our food and water stash since now we have 2 more people with us."

At this point Mikey comes out totally nude with Sara wrapped around him still having sex with him as he walked to the fridge to grab 2 gatorades.

"Food smells good. Can you two do me a favor? Keep it down we are trying to fuck in the next room..Thanks. We'll see you guys later."

With that he walked back in to the room..Sara never missed a beat just kept fucking away on Mikey.

"Okay,Anita tomorrow shopping and midget zombie ass kicking."

With that, we spent the whole day making preprarations to head tomorrow for the stores. Little did we know what kind of day we were going to have tomorrow...GODDAMN MIDGETS.

Midget Zombies Pt 5
So, Me, Anita, and MIKESARA( I put it like this because they are literally joined at the hip) all jumped into the blazer and went to head out to the sports authority on northern blvd. We figured we could get some rugged clothes for Anita and Sara. Plus we figured we could get some camping equipment just because you never know what you might need. I installed a remote to open my gate so we didn't have to risk anyone opening and shutting it if those pesky little guys pop up. Anita was sitting shotgun with a shotgun. Mike and Sara were in the back with a variety of guns and ammo.We even installed a "turret" on top of the blazer. There wasn't as many of them out today as yesterday, the ones we did see we mowed down or drove over them. We get to the Sports authority and the doors are locked..That could be a very good sign. We broke one of the upper pains of glass and parked the blaze right next to it. We crawled in through the door from the blazer. Mike came with us but we left sara in the truck. Mike took point, Anita was next and I brought up the rear. Anita was pushing a shopping cart and went into the woman's workout section. She grabbed a whole bunch of workout clothes, women's camping clothes and some boots and sneakers. I took a cart and loaded it with gatorades, muscle milks and power bars as back up rations. Mike grabbed a whole bunch of fishing line and some fishing poles.
"Should I even ask Mikey?" I quipped.
"You'll see bro, you'll see", he responded. Anita just looked at us and shook her head.
We made a few trips back and forth and loaded up the blazer really to the point of us not being able to fit in there ourselves. As we were about to get back into the truck, we seen three famous midgets walking down the blvd. Beetlejuice, Eric the Midget and Mini Me. The picked up our scents it seemed or they heard us making too much noise. But there they were..Howard Stern's zombie Wack Pack. Anita didn't waste any time she charge Beetle kicked him right in the chest to knock him over then gave a spin kick to eric and his wheelchair spun and headed right into the all..Verne Troyer dressed like Mini Me headed towards her and she took a golf club that i didn't even notice she had hit his head like it was on a tee. He fell back and looked like he was done. Anita ran back to us and said,"That was fun.Now where is my Shottie?"
Mikey and I were just standing next to each other dumbstruck. Beetle got back up and Anita unloaded to barrels into his head and he was done. By this time I finally snapped out of it and I couldn't resist taking out my frustrations on Eric the "actor" and all the time he wasted on the radio listening to him. As I got closer to him you could see he has dead eyes and he kept snapping his jaws at me like he was trying to get me. I pulled out my replica Rambo knife I had and jammed the little guy right through his head. Two down one to go. I turn around to see Mikey playing soccer with Mini Me. Kicking him back and forth off the wall of the Sports Authority. Then, Mikey kicked him to me, I passed Mini to Anita, the she kicked him so hard and high he flew over the blazer. Sara jumped out of the blazer.It was a long jump for her stature. And she chased down Mini Me. When she caught up to him, Sara tripped and fell. Mini Me was all over her before we could get to her and bit her. Mikey snapped ran over to him and kicked him off of her. Then he put one shot right into the little guys head. Mikey then turned to Sara and he could see the life leave her. I never saw Mikey tear up before, but I saw one single tear escape and run down his cheek. He turned away from sara and she started to rise from the dead. He didn't even think twice about it. He spun around and fired a shot right between her eyes. And just walked away without saying a word. I caught up to him and asked him if he was ok.
"Yeah I'm fine." Mikey said. Then he turned to me and said," It's ok bro, I'm sure I will find another hot horny stripper midget somewhere along the way."
I shook my head and we all got back into the blazer and headed for home.


Mikey is still sitting on the roof. He goes up there in the morning comes down at lunchtime and goes backup right after.
"Is Mikey ok?", Anita asked. "
I think so. It will just take him some time to get over Sara," I responded. We were in the back yard when all of a sudden:

Mikey comes flying off the roof, shouts out.."Open the gate, I'll be back."
"What's going on, Mikey?", I yelled as I ran to the gate.
"Stay here, I'll be right back.". With this Mikey jumped on one of the bikes grabbed a 12 gauge and a side arm and was out of the gate before I could protest.

Now this is the way Mikey told me the story of what happened next.

" Check this out bro, As I was sitting on the roof, I saw a car driving down the street about 2 blocks away..It was being followed by a heard of kickables. Then I saw the car swerve and slam into a wall. I kept watching and then I see this hottie pop out of the sunroof..The lil fuckers ended up swarming the car, she popped back in the car and then thats when i went into action. When I tore out of the driveway I bee lined right to her location. I couldn't believe it there were like 25 of them out there..( note from KB, I found out later it was more like 10). I started blasting away at them with the 12 gauge, I took out 5 or 6 of those lil fuckers when the gun jammed. So, then they rest of them start heading towards me. I pull out my glock and I start taking out the kickables. Tap, tap. One to the chest and one to the head. There was one left and I was out of ammo. I couldn't believe how fast he was moving, he was at me in no time. I tried to back up a little bit but then I tripped over a corpse I fell on my ass. Now I am basically eye to eye with this lil guy..I then realized he was dressed like an Oompa Loompa from Willy Wonka. Next thing I know he was on me. Trying to bite me. I was able to keep him from biting and was able to toss him away, I got back up and jumped over a cars hood to the other side to put a lil bit of distance from me and him. I got caught with no weapons not even a rock. Then I saw it bro, I grabbed a garbage can and when the fucker came towards me I put it over his head. Now the lil bastard is running around like the droid from star wars that looks like a garbage can with legs. All he's doing is running around banging into walls and shit. I then run over the car that crashed then I see her. This HAAAWWWWWWTTT blonde...looks like she coulda been a model. So I hand her the spare helmet and i say to her just like in terminator, Come with me if you want to live. So she hopped and then we came back here. Whooooahh now I'm all dizzy from this whole thing." Then Mikey passed out.

No comments: